I Miss You
by Eurothrashed
Summary: Spike's gone, someone's missing him. 1st in the I Miss You Series COMPLETE


Title: I miss you

Author: MAC/Undead Euro-Trash

Feedback: W_U_L_L_F@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: so not mine

Rating: dunno, don't do ratings... R?

Summary: Spike's gone, someone's missing him...

Spoilers: Buffyverse, Angelverse up to _'Destiny'_

I hated you.

I bet you thought I had my reasons, like you _*really*_, really deserved it or something. Yeah, I felt hurt and betrayed that you would try to hurt Buffy like that... but mainly I was pissed 'cause you left without even trying to explain... without saying goodbye. Wasn't I worth a _'see ya later'_? Probably not, but I'd come to expect the cold-shoulder routine from you. 

You protected me all while Buffy was in the ground, then the minute she was all live-y again you disappear and I hardly see you, except around _*her*_. I get the fact that she's your big love, the reason for your existence; but I miss you.

I thought we were friends, guess I was wrong.

I feel so stupid now, do you know how many times I stuck up for you when Xander would say stuff? Lots. He finally got fed up with me coming _*verbally*_ to your rescue that he told me you tried to rape Buffy. I think he enjoyed watching you fall from your pedestal in my mind; I think he was silently laughing as I realized that you could mess up and do stupid things just like an _'ordinary'_ person.

You tried to rape Buffy.

Let me clear that up- -you _*tried*_- -you didn't actually _*do*_ anything. But it made me come to terms with the fact that you weren't as perfect as I had always seen you. It was scary for me that the Big Bad was really _*bad*_. Killing and torture didn't really faze me; you're a vampire that's what you do; but rape... that never occurred to me.

Guess it was dumb on my part, but I never could wrap my brain around you being scummy enough to rape anyone. It just didn't fit into the pieces of the _'Spike Puzzle'_ that I had collected over the years. I never got that maybe you- -being evil- -would enjoy hurting people like that...

That day Soul-having-you broke free and tried to snack on Andrew I listened to you talk to Buffy in the basement. What did you do to girls my age, Spike? 'Cause there are lots of ways to hurt girls; lots of ways to make them cry... rape is just one of them. 

You said that we've never seen the _'real'_ you, that all of us- -including Buffy- -have gotten off easy.

Who is the _'real'_ you, Spike?

I've seen out-for-Buffy's-blood you.

I've seen heart-broken-over-Drusilla you.

I've seen evil-chipped you.

I've seen Big-Bad-protector you.

I've seen crying-your-eyes-out-over-dead-Buffy you.

And I've sat and talked with best-friend you.

Is killer-making-girls-cry really you?

The ensouled version of you wasn't really you, might have had the same baby-blues and blindingly white hair... but that ensouled _*thing*_ wasn't you.

It was some freaky Angel-version to your Spike-like-Angelus.

So you weren't you.

And you can't try to argue that it's not true; is Angel Angelus? Are they the same vampire? Are they the same?

No.

So whatever or whoever Soul-boy-you was, he wasn't the real deal, he wasn't the Big Bad... he wasn't you.

I miss you.

He would walk around wearing your face, using your voice, calling me _'Nibblet'_ and he even wore your coat. Everyone treated him better than you; all 'cause of the soul, it was like a _'get out of jail free'_ card- -made me mad. It made me want to scream and cry and smash stuff shaking my fist telling the gang that Soul-boy wasn't you; that he wasn't Spike. They'd look at me funny, pat me on the head and go back to whatever they were doing. 

As long as one of them caught Mr. Woe-is-me crying into his cigarettes every so often they figured things were peachy; as long as he was overrun with guilt and looked like a hotter version of Angel they breathed easy. He got all huffy and tried to be bad, he tried to be you.

I hate that.

He _*tried*_.

You never had to try, you were just you.

But he tried; it was like watching a baby's first steps, he almost had it, then he'd stumble.

You never stumbled... you stumbled once.

Only once.

And I hated you for it.

You were my superhero/rockstar guy. You were the person I ran to when I couldn't go to anyone else. You'd tell me stories and gave me advice; when I needed you... you were there. Then Buffy came back and nothing was the same. It wasn't her fault, she didn't even want to come back; but she took you away from me. She stole the one thing that was mine; the one thing that had kept me sane all through that horrible summer- -she took away your friendship. So, yeah, you were just my friend 'cause she made you promise... but I thought part of that was about me being me. I thought you cared, I thought we were buds.

I guess I expected too much.

I hated Buffy too.

Y'know it's always about her? It is. It was _*my*_ blood... _*I'm*_ the Key... it was _*my*_ life that was supposed to close the portal and save the world... but she twisted it... she chopped it up and fit it back together so she could have my chance to shine... 'cause she's Buffy, and dying to save the world is _*her*_ thing. 

I'm mad and I'm petty, deal with it.

But it's always about Buffy, she got to be the _*real*_ daughter, she got to be the Chosen One, she got to have you...

She gets everything.

She always has everything handed to her and she doesn't even want it.

She resented mom's constant worry.

She hated not being normal.

And she hated that you loved her, she hated that you could make her want you so much; she hated when you tried to be tender. Know how I know so much? I read her diary. It's one of the reasons that I can feel the way I do about the whole you/Buffy/attempted rape issue.

It wasn't all your fault.

Yeah, Buffy didn't ask for you to do that; but she shouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place.

She didn't love you.

I know sex isn't all about love, I'm not stupid; but you loved her, you totally loved her. She was using you, she was carefully building you up then heartlessly tearing you down- - she hated herself and she was taking it out on you. I felt like crap 'cause I hadn't seen anything _*happening*_ between you two after Xander's dancing demon, maybe I wasn't looking hard enough, or maybe I _*couldn't*_ understand... there had to have been _*something*_ for me so see.

Do you miss us?

I know you must miss Buffy, she got so be the last person you ever saw. Did it hurt? Soul-boy-you did some good saving us all; he made a big mess... you'd be proud- -if just a bit cocky. I think you hated Sunnydale more than any of us; but you got to watch it crumble down, you got to finally one-up Angel. We didn't see him coming down from his lofty LA perch to put on the tacky 'Liz Taylor diamond thing. 

You got to kill tons of baddies and make Sunnyhell a crater.

Go team Spike!

Are you in Heaven?

I think the first person who tries to fit you for a halo and wings is going to get hurt. I know you're not in Hell, Ultimate-Sacrifice-thing, giving up your life to save others is an automatic good-good-deed. But I still find it kinda hard to picture you all bleached and leathery singing in a chorus of angels- -the non-broody variety. Maybe the Powers that be with set you up as an archangel, they get to fight wars and kill things. You'd like that.

I cried for you.

I didn't understand why you weren't running after Buffy across the crumbling rooftops with a blanket keeping you from going all sizzly. When the school bus stopped and we got out to look at your hole I didn't get that you were dead-dead.

I didn't get it.

I asked Buffy where you were; I got annoyed wondering what was taking your bleached butt so long. Waiting for her to answer I craned my neck trying to catch a glimpse of you smoking under your trusty blanket running for the safety of the bus flinging curses as you got a tad toasty. 

You never came.

I waited.

When Buffy finally managed to tell me that you didn't make it I think I went into shock or something. I'm not sure, everything after that went kinda fuzzy, hazy, y'know? But my knees gave out and I was crying, I remember the tears stinging the scratches on my face... I remember not being able to breathe... I think Buffy held me for a long time... I cried and screamed...

Don't start getting arrogant.

I missed you, nothing new there.

News flash, Spike, I was the only one that did.

We went to stay with Angel, he's some kinda big-Lawyer-CEO guy now. He let us stay at his hotel, there was plenty of room for the gang and the Potentials; even Andrew.

I don't think Xander's totally grasped the fact that Anya's gone too. I sometimes caught him talking to her- -she's not really there, and the First Evil went buh bye- -he laughs at things he hears her say. He even said that him and _*Ahn*_ would go pick up groceries when Buffy commented that food-stuffs was getting low. He doesn't even realize he's acting like Anya's still here. We call him on it but he gives us a creeped look and denies everything. He misses her so much, I'm scared that it might be driving him bananas. He still thinks that she's going to show up with her huge if wiggy smile... I miss her too.

Buffy's getting along good, her and Angel are back to making _'I want you'_ eyes at each other. They hold hands when they think no one is paying attention- -I saw her kiss his cheek the other day. They're keeping everything PG until Wolfram and Hart (Angel runs/owns the LA branch... an ensouled vampire running a demon law firm, _*insert joke here*_) finds something to make his soul more sticky. Those lawyer guys first point on the creep scale, they can do just about _*anything*_... I bet they could make me the Key again. I _*know*_ they could... gives me nightmares.

You died thinking I hated you.

I don't.

In truth- -since I'm being all with the heartfelt honesty anyhoo- -I think I loved you so much that it hurt like hate. I hated things you did, but I don't think I every _*really*_ hated you. My threat of you waking up on pretty fire was just that, a threat. But it sounded good, didn't it?

I don't hate you.

I loved you, you were _'Spike'_, I don't think I could _*not*_ have loved you. You were the King-of-cool and smarter than Giles- -tell him I said so and I'll make your afterlife _*very*_ unpleasant. It started out as a crush... or not. I never liked Xander like I liked you; he couldn't make me cry with a glance and he couldn't make me walk on air from a smile. I dreamed about you, not naughtiness... not mostly. It was like when we'd sit in your crypt and you'd tell me stories, just sitting while I got lost in your oh-so-blue eyes... I'd wake up tears already burning down my cheeks...

It _*this*_ what love feels like?

Does it hurt _*this*_ freakin' bad?

I'm in love with the memory if a vampire who got willingly ensouled 'cause he was madly in love with my big sister. Does this sound like a daytime soap to anyone else?

So big whoop, I'm in love with you, alert the media! I'm in love with a _*very*_ dusty vampire... this doesn't bode well for future dating experiences let me tell you.

__

'Passions' still sucks big time. How much longer can Sheridan stay in that basement with Beth- -who's now preggers with a ten-pound-bag-of-sugar (don't ask)- -telling Louis that he's just hearing things? They need to find Sheridan already! .... A summer of you being all protect-y hover-y and I get hooked on the worst show known to man. It's like watching a really gruesome car-accident it's so bad- -you just _*can't*_ look away.

But I think I know why you and mom liked it so much, it's a tacky version of our lives. With witches and demons and the whole end-of-the-world thing; it makes things easier to deal with, it brings out the silly side of the Hellmouth... if it even had a silly side... dancing demons not withstanding.

I miss you.

When I sit there and watch TV I remember how you'd throw popcorn at the screen and curse a blue streak as you _*disagreed*_ with what was happening on the _'telly'_. 

I think I'll stop watching _'Passions'_... it reminds me too much of you.

So, I love you, and I miss you, and you're probably getting a real ego boost if you're checking up on me from up there. I'm sorry that you died thinking I hated you, but I think we're pretty much even there, you died and still thought I hated you. Then you had to screw that up and actually die proving my firm belief that I hated you wrong. Stupid vampire. You always do junk like that, leave it to you to go all dusty to prove that a Summers girl loves you... you've got problems.

And I'm in love with your ghost, guess I've got problems too.

I always thought love was flowers and fairy tales, I was wrong. How could you have loved Buffy all one-sided for all those years? It hurts, it tears you up, it makes you wish you were dead... well, you _*are*_ dead. It hurts so _*damn*_ much with you not being here, I wish you were back... even if you went back to trailing after Buffy. 

I miss you.

- 

Spike looked up from the letter, his eyes blank and his jaw clenched. Spinning around he locked his blue gaze on Angel, "Gimme the Slayer's address."

"Why," the brunette asked, not knowing what was in the letter Dawn had trusted to him if/when the platinum blonde managed to defy death.

"Need to have a word with the Summers' youngest."

"Something in the letter?" Angel asked his curiosity getting the better of him.

Spike crumpled the sheets of notebook paper as he closed his fingers; "She misses me."

~End~


End file.
